Evolution I

The grad school environment isn't exactly a breeding ground for social activities, and in some ways, the lack of "practice" coupled with constant, focused brain activity forces people to change. The other part, I suppose, is growing up in general. I'd be naive to think that people won't change with time, but sometimes the way they evolve can be surprising.


I was talking to my (now married!) friend the other day about how I found it increasingly difficult to connect with "normal" people, defined as people who never went to grad school. Obviously upon meeting someone new, you try to find some common ground first, and with other students, going to grad school IS the common ground. You start off with "Hey, nice to meet you. What program are you in? Who's lab?" and then drift to other topics that may or may not be related to work. With non-grad students it becomes harder:


-So, what do you do?
-I'm a grad student doing developmental biology.
-Masters or PhD?
-PhD.
(conversation dies in about two more sentences, unless the other person is actually interested in what you're saying)


One could argue that it's just a personality thing, but in general, I find that meeting and talking to other grad students is easier than meeting non-students.
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That's not to say that all people in grad school change the same way. Some become hyperfocused on their work and let everything else (friends, hobbies) drop to the side, and in some extreme cases, drop entirely. I don't think school is very conducive in making people strike a balance between work and leisure; there's always "I'm too busy with lab," the universal reply to almost anything that anyone asks, unless it's the PI who's asking.


It's becoming more of a struggle for me to strike that work-leisure balance as I go into my fourth year here. Not like I don't want there to be a balance... I feel like I'm trying really hard to seek out my friends to do something fun once in a while (even as a mental break), but the act of getting x number of people together at the same place and time is sapping out the fun in whatever activity there is to do. Disagreements about where to go and what to do are normal, but they cross the line when people start complaining about my ideas without offering any of their own. I even had one person tell me (when I invited her to go to the comedy club with us) "No thanks, I don't wanna go," which would have been perfectly fine, except she continued, "I don't know why you keep inviting me to do stuff; it's not you, it's the things you plan. They're just bleh."  Who needs to hear something like that? And for the record, it's not the first (nor the last) time that someone has vetoed my ideas without a countersuggestion.


I'm trying to not use the "I'm busy" line too often without giving an alternate time, and it's been working pretty well. But right now I'm grappling with my own (perceived or not) increasing social awkwardness and decreasing sanity/patience. I also perceive that I have been constantly seeking out others, which makes me feel clingy and very dependent, something that makes me quite uncomfortable.


I suppose the good thing is that I'm relaxing a bit this upcoming weekend without having to strain myself in getting groups of people together in the same place at the same time.